A Tough Time

This week is a tough one for me. I wouldn't say there's any specific catalyst that has caused my current slump. No, that would be too convenient to address and fix. I'd say this current slump is an accumulation of multiple things. The main snowballs-of-emotional-terror (as I like to call them) are: now being in isolation for three months, the company I work for is closing its doors soon, we've started the process of moving into a different home, and there are some personal family health issues that I'm navigating emotionally, expectations and plans that I had set for myself this year aren't as possible as I had hoped, and so on...

It's a lot.

It could be worse.

But, it's still a lot.

This week I haven't kept up with my schedule. I haven't been eating proper meals as often as I should. I haven't been drinking nearly enough water. I've been staying up too late. I took a break from working out as regularly as I have been. I've been a real potato. I know this all seems counter-productive. I wish I was strong enough to continue my self-care while coping with stress and changes when they all come to a head, but I'm not there yet. This week, I needed to step back, and attempt to recalibrate on a few things. I needed to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling while I allowed myself to feel the weight of where I'm at in life. I needed to make some fudge brownies, and lay on the couch.

Here's why I'm sharing all of this right now: I think now, more than ever, it's important to communicate when we are experiencing tough times. Because that's real life. Everyone goes through the lows, but with modern technology and social media, we've become accustomed to only sharing the good things. I'm a firm believer that the tough times make us stronger, and make us truly appreciate the good times.

Tangent warning, but I promise there's a point: If you're unfamiliar with the Harry Potter books, this paragraph probably isn't for you... Sometimes when I think I'm in a situation that feels excruciatingly difficult, and I'm not sure how to push through it to get to the other side, I think about Harry Potter. I'm a huge fan, and always have been. It's been a comfort for me for years when things get tough, even now as a 29 year old adult. The part of the story that comes to mind when I need to find personal strength, is in book 3 (Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban) when Harry is being attacked by dementors. Harry and Hermione have used the time turner, and find themselves being attacked by vile soul sucking creatures. The first time Harry lives this memory, as the version of himself being attacked, he thinks his father saves him. Despite logic, and reasoning, he thinks his deceased father saves him. The second time he lives this memory, as a time-traveling onlooker, he's filled with excitement as he waits for a glimpse of his dad. Time ticks on, and reality sets in... Then it clicks. It was never his dad, it was him. And when he's asked later about how he cast such a strong protection, he simply responded that he already knew he had the strength he needed to do so, because he had seen it firsthand.

I often think about the different versions of myself, and how I've grown in my capabilities of coping with situations. The 29 year old version of myself, today, is FAR stronger than the 19 year old version of myself. Even on a small note, I only had some of the fudge coping brownies that I mentioned earlier, shared some, and then tossed the rest out. The 19 year old version of myself would have demolished that entire pan right out of the oven without thinking twice. While this is not a groundbreaking accomplishment, but knowing who I am today still finds comfort in the tantalizing lure of brownies, but is capable of showing self control. That kind of progress feels pretty darn good. And I know the 39 year old version of me might chuckle looking back on where I am now.

I know I can get through this tough week/slump because I know the future version of me is tougher, and I can only get to that version by going through this currently emotionally draining time.

Hopefully in a few weeks, I'll have an uplifting follow up to this post, but I want to be transparent with you, whoever you are, about where I am today. I don't think it's fair to only share the good.

It's okay to have the lows. It's okay to feel the tough times. It's okay to be uncomfortable with the growth of life that's being thrown your way right now. You don't need to hide from these emotions. Talk with other people, reflect on these thoughts, relate to other humans that may have experienced similar things. It's important that we acknowledge these feelings and grow from them. You might be in the eye of your own hurricane of life right now, but you're strong, and your future self is stronger. Keep pushing to become that version of yourself, but be gentle and graceful with where you are today.